Enough of Debbie Downer

This was supposed to be a funny thing.....I better hop to focusing more on that :)

So.....after I divorced, after a long while, I opted to look into the online dating world. This my friends, is comical. My friends at work longed for me to make a world map to keep track of all my encounters, escapades and ridiculous moments I had along the way.

I think I've attempted to block most of them out cuz they were that bad. However....I do remember more of the doozies.

I started on eHarmony. It was a free weekend.....and they were going to find my perfect match. I did the 27 page personality assessment, how could I not find my perfect match? DUH.

In no particular order........

I met a guy from Lawrence, KS. He was slightly older than me. Not good looking by any sort of the imagination, but he liked me. It was like being back in high school. Flirting. Attention. I got sucked in fast. We talked online, then on the phone, then decided to meet. I don't remember where, but it was in southern Nebraska somewhere. Hastings-ish maybe. We met at a bar at a hotel. Yes, red flag number one. We sat in the same side of the booth. That is so gay. Oy. Why sit next to someone you haven't met before. You can't have a conversation looking at them. Anyway, I coulda been poop and he was a flock of flies. Good lord, pawing all over me, running his fingers up and down my arm. It was so odd. But.....I had a few drinks, he had a ton of drinks, and hey.....this was just supposed to be fun.

I was really embarrassed at first to admit to anyone I was doing the online dating thing. But.....I had to fess up to my parents, cuz uhhhhh, I was leaving town, and although I lied my way through most of my teenage years as to what my escapades were, I figured now I better adult-up and keep my mom informed of where I was going and what I was up to (despite being 30 some years old...I felt I owed it to her if I ended up dead somewhere.....although that thought never crossed my mind.) So I told her about going wherever it was this time. I'd always call her when I'd leave to go somewhere, and call when I got there so she'd know I was ok.

The dude got hammered at the bar. It was so ridiculous. But.........the attention craver in me didn't think it was dumb enough at the time. So....I made plans to visit him again in KS. This time I'd be staying at his brother's house (how do I just trust these people I don't know and hang with them??) So we hung out at his brother's.  His brother was a little uppity. A chiropractor. But HE was hot. But had a girlfriend. Strike out on that possibility. The weekend didn't go too bad. Apparently the conversation and activity was fair enough that AC (attention craver) was up for more. Next time he came to my house. (Note.....my kids were not involved with any of this. I didn't want the open door policy of having boyfriends in and out blah blah) So he came to Norfolk to spend the weekend. He wanted to go to a bar SHOCKER. We met up with a couple friends of mine there. He was the hit of the group we were in. Why? Cuz he bought...I'm not kidding....probably $1000 worth of drinks and shots for a ton of people. Again, he got stupid drunk and this time I was pissed. Really? Control yourself. So we leave the bar. He starts bawling on the way to my house. OMG. I don't remember what he was crying about but it was pathetic. And now it finally dawns on me....what have I gotten myself into. I pull up in my driveway and he opens the door before I've stopped. Of course I freak on that shenanigan. Then he proceeds to unzip and pee all over my driveway. Freak out #2 by me. Dude. Enough. I live in a decent 'hood and you aren't gonna be pulling this crap. The crying continued. I told him I was going to bed and I locked my bedroom door.

Here's this drunk bawling freak in my house. WTG Robyn. Freakin idiot. Then he starts pounding on my door. Now it's turned into crying episode=I'm going to kill myself. For the LOVE OF GOD. Somehow I had his brother's number, called him up at 3 am and said.....uhhhhh what am I supposed to do with him. After discussion, I opted to let him in my room, he could sleep on the bed and I'd sleep elsewhere. I checked on him after awhile and what to my sight did I behold?? Him walking in circles around my bed peeing all over the floor. Mind you, I had just bought this house probably 2 months prior. I now go ape-shit crazy on him. I gave him directions to the nearest store that rented Rug Doctor's and told him I was leaving, and his butt had better go get a freakin shampooer, clean my floor and get the hell outta there. I went to a friends house then. Came back home to find the carpet's shampooed and no further sign of him.

Ok. I should have learned my lesson.