I've got a bloody ass

I don't know how many times I've said......just when I think I've seen/heard it all. I haven't. Another night shift. Sitting with my BFF at the nurse's station. Doing our usual yapping. Nothing exciting. A new dad came up to the desk, leaned over on it, and said to us, "Hey, I've got blood coming out of my asshole. What should I do?"
Brain freeze.
What in the hell did I just hear.
We sat silent. I hesitantly said, "Your butt is bleeding?"
"Yeah, it's bright red blood."
I've seriously never been in a sitch like this before. His question has now sunk in and I want to laugh. I can't laugh. He is about 3 feet from my face. I can feel my mouth, face, cheeks begin contorting trying not to laugh. My dear friend turns her chair so she is no longer facing him. Bitch. I can feel her shaking, laughing uncontrollably, and leaving me to deal with this yayhoo.
Me: "Ummm, you probably should go to the ER."
"Really? I don't want to. It's just bleeding and I don't know what to do. Do you have any tampons I could put in it."
Imagine a conscious seizure going on in my face now. I can't laugh. I have to laugh. "No, we don't have tampons, and I'm not sure that's a really good idea. I think you should go get it checked out. It's bright red?"
****why am I asking him questions to further this convo****
Meanwhile, chair next to me now shaking violently.
"Well, ok, I thought I'd just ask. I guess I'll just have to figure something out."

Pain overtook me. Tears overtook me. Snot and drool overtook me. What in the hell did I just hear?

About an hour later he comes back to the desk. NOOOOOOOOOOO. I can't do this again. I will not do this again. I will not be professional this time. If your ass is bleeding this is NOT an issue of mine.

Repeat, lean on desk, lean into our space, opens his mouth, "I have a weird question for you." (you have got to be kidding me. How much freakin weirder can you possible be?)

His weirdness questions, "Is it daylight savings time tonight?"

Ummm, yes, yes actually it is.

"Oh, and by the way, I just shoved some toilet paper up my butt. It has stopped bleeding."

My brain has an infarct forever from this.